|
|
Post by Prometheus on Jan 26, 2022 1:12:13 GMT
A person dies and goes to heaven and meets St Peter at the pearly gates and notices a lot of clocks on the wall. "What are they?" they ask. "Each clock is for a person and whenever they lie, it moves forward one minute." "Oh. So whose clock is this?" "That's Mother Theresa's - it's never moved." "Oh, so whose is this?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's - it's only moved twice. "So where is Boris Johnson's?" "We're using that as a ceiling fan." Imagine when Donnie shows up.... |
|
|
|
Post by ant-mac on Jan 26, 2022 1:28:01 GMT
A person dies and goes to heaven and meets St Peter at the pearly gates and notices a lot of clocks on the wall. "What are they?" they ask. "Each clock is for a person and whenever they lie, it moves forward one minute." "Oh. So whose clock is this?" "That's Mother Theresa's - it's never moved." "Oh, so whose is this?" "That's Abraham Lincoln's - it's only moved twice. "So where is Boris Johnson's?" "We're using that as a ceiling fan." Imagine when Donnie shows up.... The Pearly Gates with take flight. |
|
|
|
Post by Prometheus on Jan 26, 2022 1:33:16 GMT
Imagine when Donnie shows up.... The Pearly Gates with take flight. Or all the clouds will blow away and the "angels" will fall.... |
|
|
|
Post by ant-mac on Jan 26, 2022 1:40:42 GMT
The Pearly Gates with take flight. Or all the clouds will blow away and the "angels" will fall.... And Satan would be pissed. "You kicked me out for being prideful, but you're thinking of letting this egotistical self-centred narcissist in?!" |
|
|
|
Post by Prometheus on Jan 26, 2022 2:17:32 GMT
Or all the clouds will blow away and the "angels" will fall.... And Satan would be pissed. "You kicked me out for being prideful, but you're thinking of letting this egotistical self-centred narcissist in?!" The only reason Donny wasn't allowed in Hell is because Satan didn't want the competition.... |
|
|
|
Post by ant-mac on Jan 26, 2022 2:29:11 GMT
And Satan would be pissed. "You kicked me out for being prideful, but you're thinking of letting this egotistical self-centred narcissist in?!" The only reason Donny wasn't allowed in Hell is because Satan didn't want the competition.... Besides which, he has standards. |
|
|
|
Post by Prometheus on Jan 26, 2022 2:36:41 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by abbey1227 on Jan 26, 2022 3:42:42 GMT
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?"
"None.",replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nevously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you are thinking."
|
|
|
|
Post by ant-mac on Jan 26, 2022 18:31:16 GMT
Little Johnny was unhappy in class. Whenever he tried to answer a question from the teacher, he'd get it wrong, so would never get a jelly bean for a reward. Eventually he got sick of this, so he went to the local sweets shop and bought himself some liquorice balls, which he his in his desk. That way, whenever he got an answer wrong, he didn't care, because he could just sneak one of his liquorice balls out of his desk and have that instead.
One day, just after the teacher had told him he'd got the answer to her question wrong, he reached into his desk to get one of his liquorice balls. Unfortunately, he dropped it on the floor and it rolled to the front of the room, where the teacher was standing.
She looked down at it in surprise and exclaimed: "Who has black balls?"
Little Johnny smiled and replied: "Nat King cole... now I get a jelly bean!"
|
|
|
|
Post by Prometheus on Jan 27, 2022 0:47:22 GMT
The teacher is going around the room asking each student to use one of the vocabulary words in a sentence. Because she knows Little Johnny is a foul-mouthed pervert so she is trying to avoid asking him to make up a sentence. Finally she thinks she has found the perfect word that Johnny cannot possibly corrupt. She turns to the boy, "Johnny, use 'fascinate' in a sentence."
Johnny ponders the word for a moment then says, "My sister has a new blouse with 12 buttons."
"That's wonderful, Johnny, but you didn't use the vocabulary word."
"You didn't let me finish. My sister has a new blouse with 12 buttons but her tits are so fucking big she can only fasten eight."
|
|
|
|
Post by ant-mac on Feb 2, 2022 4:16:08 GMT
An older man is talking to his young wife.
Him: "If I die, will you remarry?"
Her: "No."
Him: "What will you do?"
Her: "I'll stay with my sister. What about if I die, will you remarry?"
Him: "No."
Her: "What will you do?"
Him: "I'll stay with your sister."
|
|
|
|
Post by ant-mac on Feb 2, 2022 4:29:55 GMT
Woke up this morning and my alarm clock was laughing at me... then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07.
|
|
|
|
Post by Prometheus on Feb 2, 2022 4:54:12 GMT
An older man is talking to his young wife. Him: "If I die, will you remarry?" Her: "No." Him: "What will you do?" Her: "I'll stay with my sister. What about if I die, will you remarry?" Him: "No." Her: "What will you do?" Him: "I'll stay with your sister." And that's when the fight started... |
|
|
|
Post by Prometheus on Feb 2, 2022 4:56:07 GMT
Woke up this morning and my alarm clock was laughing at me... then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07. I wish I could change the code so it said, "Prometheus is 7:07ing at this."
|
|
|
|
Post by ant-mac on Feb 3, 2022 11:58:35 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by abbey1227 on Feb 3, 2022 16:05:10 GMT
A Mick and Wop walk into a sub shop One orders the Italian, the other orders a filthy stinking drunk.  |
|
|
|
Post by abbey1227 on Feb 9, 2022 12:23:57 GMT
Recycling this one.........  |
|
|
|
Post by abbey1227 on Feb 19, 2022 15:06:15 GMT
Bill Withers was once asked if he knew that Ain't No Sunshine was really poor grammar?
He replied "I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know."
|
|
|
|
Post by ant-mac on Feb 20, 2022 1:39:50 GMT
A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool. He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"
"Hell, that's for anybody that can do 3 things for me."
"What's that?"
The bartender jacks his thumb to the back, pointing at a 300 lb 6'5 behemoth of a man. "That's Phil, he fucked my old lady. You knock him down a peg, and that'll be one.
The cowboy looks back, sizes the bouncer up, and shakes his head, "On my best day I could take 'em, but that ain't today, but go ahead and tell me about the second task."
The bartender passes him down another shot. "So, I got a Rottweiler in that back room. Bitch has got a tooth that makes her meaner than the devil. You pull that out and we'll call that two."
The cowboy takes the shot, shakes his head and says ain't no way, but asks the bartender about the third task.
"My grandma is right up them stairs and is long in the tooth for a good lay. You fuck her and the money is as good as yours."
The cowboy yells, "HELL NAW," orders another shot and puts it out of his mind.
A couple of hours go by, and the cowboy keeps knocking back shots. Not too long after his 10th shot the cowboy stands up, slams down the last bit of his money and yells, "FUCK IT! IM GONNA DO IT!"
He walks to the back, and before the bouncer can even react, decks him, knocking him out in one shot.
He looks back to the bartender and yells ,"Where's that bitch?" The bartender points to the room, and the cowboy walks in, shutting the door behind him.
All that could be heard for a good long while was yelping and yelling, until finally the cowboy walks out.
Wrenching up his drawers, he turns to the bartender and says, "Alright now where's that old lady with the bad tooth?"
|
|
|
|
Post by ant-mac on Feb 20, 2022 1:41:06 GMT
Why's it so hard to solve a redneck murder?
Cause the DNA's all the same and there ain't no dental records.
|
|
![[cheers]](http://storage.proboards.com/7182076/images/engyBVslEdpmpmdnBwZQ.gif)