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Post by ant-mac on Feb 20, 2022 1:45:47 GMT
A drunk staggers into a Catholic church. He enters a confession booth and sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk just sits there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk man shouts, "Ain't no use knocking! There's no paper on this side either!"
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Post by ant-mac on Feb 20, 2022 1:46:12 GMT
What's the difference between a dead hooker and a Tesla?
Ain't no Tesla in my garage
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Post by ant-mac on Feb 20, 2022 1:49:14 GMT
After the birth of their ninth child, a redneck couple decided they'd had enough because they couldn’t afford a larger bed. The husband went to the veterinarian and asked to be snipped. "Me'n my cousin don't want no more kids"
The vet told him he could get a vasectomy, but it was expensive. "There is a cheaper option," said the vet. "Go home, find yourself a cherry bomb, light it up and put it in a Coors Lite can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."
“I ain't no rocket surgeon," said the redneck, "but how's that gonna help me?"
“Trust me” said the vet.
So the redneck went home, drained a beer then stuffed a lit cherry bomb in the empty can. He brought it up to his ear and began to count: “1… 2… 3… 4… 5…”
Once he got to five, he stopped for a second, put the can between his legs and resumed the count on his other hand.
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Post by abbey1227 on Feb 20, 2022 3:08:31 GMT
Why's it so hard to solve a redneck murder? Cause the DNA's all the same and there ain't no dental records.
meth humour...........NOT Fuunny!  (but it is) |
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Post by abbey1227 on Feb 20, 2022 3:13:14 GMT
A cowboy, hard on his luck, walks into a bar and sits down at a stool. He orders himself a shot, and the bartender passes one down. The cowboy looks behind the bartender and sees a big glass suitcase full of money and asks, "Hey, bartender! What's that big glass suitcase full of money right there?"
Saw that one coming a mile off.
But it reminded me of this raunchy one from back in the day...........
A man goes into a bar and sits at a booth in a dark corner. A few minutes later 3 weary and dusty cowboys follow. They sit down at the bar.
The first one says, "I'm so thirsty, I could drink a pint."
The second says, "I'm so thirsty I could drink a keg."
The third man says, "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off a bull's nutz."
Upon hearing this, the man in the dark corner says "Moo moo, big boy."
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Post by Prometheus on Feb 23, 2022 3:08:35 GMT
What do you call a magician with no magic?
Ian
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Post by abbey1227 on Mar 8, 2022 3:32:58 GMT
What do you call a magician with no magic? Ian
A boy magician with no arms and no legs lying on a hot sidewalk? - Flip
same playing leaves? - Russell
same going for a swim? - Bob
PS: I have a pun about Elton John
It's a little bit funny
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Post by abbey1227 on Mar 13, 2022 3:05:20 GMT
Sylvester Stallone: I'm making a movie about composers. I'm playing Beethoven.
Jean-Claude Van Damme: I'll be Mozart.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Stop it, you guys. I'm not saying it!
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Post by abbey1227 on Mar 14, 2022 4:07:09 GMT
Male bees die after mating.
So that's basically their life.
Honey. Nut. Cheerio.
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Post by ant-mac on Mar 17, 2022 11:33:36 GMT
Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis and falls into a coma. A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard. He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appearance. After wandering around for a bit, he stumbles into the nearest bar. He sits down at the bar and orders a full glass of vodka.
He sips nervously and musters the courage to ask the bartender: "What year is it?"
The bartender is confused, but replies: "2025..."
Putin takes another sip of his drink to process this information. He then asks: "And Crimea, is it still ours?"
Bartender proudly replies: "Still ours!"
Putin nods in approval and takes another sip. Then, he follows: "And Kiev, is it also ours?"
Bartender replies: "Kiev is also ours."
A big, happy grin appears on Putin's face, as he finally finishes the drink and asks the bartender: "How much for the vodka?"
Bartender: "100 hryvnias!"
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Post by ant-mac on Mar 17, 2022 11:36:11 GMT
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building and went home.
Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, "Bring it back here right now!"
I replied, "100 dollars and it's yours."
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Post by ant-mac on Mar 17, 2022 11:37:33 GMT
Fun fact: "sugar" is the only word in the English language where "su-" makes a "sh" sound... At least, I'm pretty sure that's correct.  |
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Post by ant-mac on Mar 17, 2022 11:40:12 GMT
A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"
The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex. After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"
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Post by ant-mac on Mar 17, 2022 11:42:29 GMT
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front. As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what's this queue for and why are you now leaving it?"
The man said, "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now."
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Post by Prometheus on Mar 22, 2022 3:22:11 GMT
Donald Trump was walking through Manhattan and saw a long queue. Wondering what is was for, he joined it. People would look over their shoulder, see that is was Donald Trump behind them and leave the queue, so he would proceed closer and closer to the front. As he was getting closer to the head of the queue, he asked one guy, who also looked and was about to walk away, "Wait a second, what's this queue for and why are you now leaving it?" The man said, "This is the queue for Canadian Immigration Visas, but if you are getting one, I don't need one now." The Trump family moving to Canada would certainly be a good start to Make America Great Again.... |
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Post by Prometheus on Mar 22, 2022 3:32:18 GMT
Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin were in a meeting
Obama said, "Mr. Putin, the reason that I love my country is that a man can walk right into The White House and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running The United States of America.'"
Putin responded, "That's true in Russia, too. Anyone can walk into the Kremlin and say, 'I don't like the way that Barack Obama is running the United States of America.'"
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Post by Prometheus on Mar 22, 2022 3:32:40 GMT
Putin at the airport
Vladimir Putin arrives at an airport, gets in line at customs desk.
Customs officer: Occupation?
Putin: No, just visiting.
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Post by Prometheus on Mar 22, 2022 3:33:16 GMT
What did Putin say to Ukraine after invading?
Crimea River.
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Post by Prometheus on Mar 22, 2022 3:34:22 GMT
Putin nowadays: all I want is peace.
A piece of Ukraine.
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Post by Prometheus on Mar 22, 2022 3:34:58 GMT
Bought a Russian car...
The salesman said it was the krem de la kremlin, but every time it's putin gear, it keeps stalin. My wife said, "Crimea river, I'm not lenin you my car!"
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(but it is)
![[cheers]](http://storage.proboards.com/7182076/images/engyBVslEdpmpmdnBwZQ.gif)
