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Post by ant-mac on Jan 14, 2021 23:24:27 GMT
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 14, 2021 23:25:19 GMT
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you're the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife's room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mister Smith's wife has just had triplets. Mister Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air. I work for 7-UP."
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 14, 2021 23:26:32 GMT
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Missus Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 14, 2021 23:26:45 GMT
A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.
"Every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday," she says.
The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.
"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I'm home with my husband."
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 14, 2021 23:27:40 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 15, 2021 15:41:22 GMT
I never cared much for voting, until someone explained the process to me.
Apparently, you get to put your ex in a box...
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 15, 2021 16:37:18 GMT
So why aren't hallways in insane asylums called psychopaths?
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 15, 2021 16:43:59 GMT
I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector. All that beeping gave me a headache and made me feel dizzy.
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 15, 2021 16:46:11 GMT
The US general looked gravely around the table, at the other four military officers who were attending the top secret security meeting.
"Harry, Peter, Roger, Vladimir... I think we have a Russian mole in our midst."
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 15, 2021 16:46:45 GMT
"Ah, Pussy Galore? This is Bond, James Bond. The doctor at the clinic said I should ring up all of my previous partners and give them the bad news..."
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:13:57 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:14:12 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:14:30 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:14:49 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:15:05 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:15:19 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:15:39 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:15:55 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:16:15 GMT
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Post by ant-mac on Jan 30, 2021 22:16:34 GMT
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![[cheers]](http://storage.proboards.com/7182076/images/engyBVslEdpmpmdnBwZQ.gif)
