So I have family in Japan I didn't know about in

[spitfire926f]

My grandfather was stationed there during WWII and had a Japanese girlfriend. Apparently there was a fourth child that was a product of the relationship. My uncle found this out from letters that were exchanged with the Japanese girlfriend. I was so stunned from this revelation I didn't ask if it was a boy or a girl, or if my grandmother ever found out about it (he was married to her at the time). 

I have such fond memories of my grandfather. He died shortly after my parents split and I left California, but I was close with him when I lived there. He was a devout Catholic. This kind of explains why he seemed to forgive my father anything, he had skeletons of his own. 

I won't lie, I'm a bit disappointed. Is there not one man in my family that wasn't a let-down? I mean, besides my brother that is. I guess I just need time to process everything. My grandfather was more than just my grandfather. He was a whole person prone to failure like the rest of us, just as fallible as anyone, just as worthy of forgiveness. I guess I've just always had him on a pedestal in a little girl way. 

I just hope this aunt or uncle I had in Japan didn't have too hard of a life, or the woman my grandfather was with. I assume he loved her since he kept in touch with her. But even today mixed children in Japan face terrible discrimination. 

www.nytimes.com/2000/07/23/world/a-hard-life-for-amerasian-children.html

Many single mothers have not heard from their husbands or boyfriends for months, if not years, and cannot afford to raise their children alone, the advocates said. In some cases, the women face eviction because they lack rent money. Many of the women no longer qualify for, nor can they afford to send their children to, racially mixed military and Christian schools. So their children go to Japanese schools, where they are often bullied and many drop out.

''You can't imagine the physical and emotional trauma that these Okinawan women and their children suffer when these United States servicemen desert them,'' said Naomi Noiri, a professor of law at the University of the Ryukus in Okinawa. ''They fall between the cracks in our society because there are no legal or social mechanisms in Japan or the United States to provide for them.''

The United States has signed reciprocal agreements with countries like Germany, Sweden and Britain to enable the mother of a child whose father has returned to his homeland to seek financial support with the help of government authorities. But no such pact exists with Japan...

the past week, in the run-up to the annual meeting of the world's largest industrialized nations in Okinawa, the Japanese media have reported widely on the racial discrimination, poor education and financial distress that many of these biracial children endure in Japanese society. The news reports have characterized the plight of the Amerasian children as yet another example of the social ills caused by the many United States military bases in Okinawa -- not exactly the tone the Japanese government was seeking when it decided to hold the meeting here, putting one of the country's poorest regions in the spotlight.

It's strange, because I've always wanted to visit Japan and have a love for things Japanese. My dog is named after the Japanese tree spirit. Maybe I've always intuitively known there's a connection. Ripples from the universe or some such thing. 

[gardengirl1953]

May 30, 2023 14:31:32 GMT spitfire926f said:

My grandfather was stationed there during WWII and had a Japanese girlfriend. Apparently there was a fourth child that was a product of the relationship. My uncle found this out from letters that were exchanged with the Japanese girlfriend. I was so stunned from this revelation I didn't ask if it was a boy or a girl, or if my grandmother ever found out about it (he was married to her at the time). 

I have such fond memories of my grandfather. He died shortly after my parents split and I left California, but I was close with him when I lived there. He was a devout Catholic. This kind of explains why he seemed to forgive my father anything, he had skeletons of his own. 

I won't lie, I'm a bit disappointed. Is there not one man in my family that wasn't a let-down? I mean, besides my brother that is. I guess I just need time to process everything. My grandfather was more than just my grandfather. He was a whole person prone to failure like the rest of us, just as fallible as anyone, just as worthy of forgiveness. I guess I've just always had him on a pedestal in a little girl way. 

I just hope this aunt or uncle I had in Japan didn't have too hard of a life, or the woman my grandfather was with. I assume he loved her since he kept in touch with her. But even today mixed children in Japan face terrible discrimination. 

www.nytimes.com/2000/07/23/world/a-hard-life-for-amerasian-children.html

Many single mothers have not heard from their husbands or boyfriends for months, if not years, and cannot afford to raise their children alone, the advocates said. In some cases, the women face eviction because they lack rent money. Many of the women no longer qualify for, nor can they afford to send their children to, racially mixed military and Christian schools. So their children go to Japanese schools, where they are often bullied and many drop out.

''You can't imagine the physical and emotional trauma that these Okinawan women and their children suffer when these United States servicemen desert them,'' said Naomi Noiri, a professor of law at the University of the Ryukus in Okinawa. ''They fall between the cracks in our society because there are no legal or social mechanisms in Japan or the United States to provide for them.''

The United States has signed reciprocal agreements with countries like Germany, Sweden and Britain to enable the mother of a child whose father has returned to his homeland to seek financial support with the help of government authorities. But no such pact exists with Japan...

the past week, in the run-up to the annual meeting of the world's largest industrialized nations in Okinawa, the Japanese media have reported widely on the racial discrimination, poor education and financial distress that many of these biracial children endure in Japanese society. The news reports have characterized the plight of the Amerasian children as yet another example of the social ills caused by the many United States military bases in Okinawa -- not exactly the tone the Japanese government was seeking when it decided to hold the meeting here, putting one of the country's poorest regions in the spotlight.

It's strange, because I've always wanted to visit Japan and have a love for things Japanese. My dog is named after the Japanese tree spirit. Maybe I've always intuitively known there's a connection. Ripples from the universe or some such thing. 

Wow, what a thing to find out!

Men will be men, it's biological, our relatively new concept of monogamy has fooled us into thinking that it is the ideal, and we are disappointed when biology kicks in.

And it is too bad the Japanese and US don't have the kind of agreement that we have with other countries. And that Amerasians suffer from discrimination.

[spitfire926f]

May 30, 2023 18:31:00 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

May 30, 2023 14:31:32 GMT spitfire926f said:

My grandfather was stationed there during WWII and had a Japanese girlfriend. Apparently there was a fourth child that was a product of the relationship. My uncle found this out from letters that were exchanged with the Japanese girlfriend. I was so stunned from this revelation I didn't ask if it was a boy or a girl, or if my grandmother ever found out about it (he was married to her at the time). 

I have such fond memories of my grandfather. He died shortly after my parents split and I left California, but I was close with him when I lived there. He was a devout Catholic. This kind of explains why he seemed to forgive my father anything, he had skeletons of his own. 

I won't lie, I'm a bit disappointed. Is there not one man in my family that wasn't a let-down? I mean, besides my brother that is. I guess I just need time to process everything. My grandfather was more than just my grandfather. He was a whole person prone to failure like the rest of us, just as fallible as anyone, just as worthy of forgiveness. I guess I've just always had him on a pedestal in a little girl way. 

I just hope this aunt or uncle I had in Japan didn't have too hard of a life, or the woman my grandfather was with. I assume he loved her since he kept in touch with her. But even today mixed children in Japan face terrible discrimination. 

www.nytimes.com/2000/07/23/world/a-hard-life-for-amerasian-children.html

It's strange, because I've always wanted to visit Japan and have a love for things Japanese. My dog is named after the Japanese tree spirit. Maybe I've always intuitively known there's a connection. Ripples from the universe or some such thing. 

Wow, what a thing to find out!

Men will be men, it's biological, our relatively new concept of monogamy has fooled us into thinking that it is the ideal, and we are disappointed when biology kicks in.

And it is too bad the Japanese and US don't have the kind of agreement that we have with other countries. And that Amerasians suffer from discrimination.

It just draws into question so many things I thought I knew. My grandmother was older than my grandfather and my dad was her youngest, so she had Parkinson's Disease by the time I was born. My only memories of her are of her sick and in a wheel chair. But my grandfather took care of her at home until she died. Now I wonder if it was out of guilt more-so than love.

But it doesn’t matter. All of these people are long dead, all of the emotion that when into their motivations, love or guilt, went with them. The conflict only exists in my head. At this point it doesn't matter anymore.

[gardengirl1953]

May 30, 2023 19:21:19 GMT spitfire926f said:

May 30, 2023 18:31:00 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

Wow, what a thing to find out!

Men will be men, it's biological, our relatively new concept of monogamy has fooled us into thinking that it is the ideal, and we are disappointed when biology kicks in.

And it is too bad the Japanese and US don't have the kind of agreement that we have with other countries. And that Amerasians suffer from discrimination.

It just draws into question so many things I thought I knew. My grandmother was older than my grandfather and my dad was her youngest, so she had Parkinson's Disease by the time I was born. My only memories of her are of her sick and in a wheel chair. But my grandfather took care of her at home until she died. Now I wonder if it was out of guilt more-so than love.

But it doesn’t matter. All of these people are long dead, all of the emotion that when into their motivations, love or guilt, went with them. The conflict only exists in my head. At this point it doesn't matter anymore.

Yes, I have a similar conflict in my head, and all the participants are dead. Yet it still haunts me, because it played a huge role in my relationship with my parents. It's amazing what kids pick up from just observing others interact. And some of it doesn't really make sense until one is older. And by then, it's way too late to affect any kind of understanding or change. It might explain a lot, and there is a certain comfort in saying, "Well, there it is". But understanding doesn't equal acceptance.

[spitfire926f]

May 31, 2023 19:47:36 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

May 30, 2023 19:21:19 GMT spitfire926f said:

It just draws into question so many things I thought I knew. My grandmother was older than my grandfather and my dad was her youngest, so she had Parkinson's Disease by the time I was born. My only memories of her are of her sick and in a wheel chair. But my grandfather took care of her at home until she died. Now I wonder if it was out of guilt more-so than love.

But it doesn’t matter. All of these people are long dead, all of the emotion that when into their motivations, love or guilt, went with them. The conflict only exists in my head. At this point it doesn't matter anymore.

Yes, I have a similar conflict in my head, and all the participants are dead. Yet it still haunts me, because it played a huge role in my relationship with my parents. It's amazing what kids pick up from just observing others interact. And some of it doesn't really make sense until one is older. And by then, it's way too late to affect any kind of understanding or change. It might explain a lot, and there is a certain comfort in saying, "Well, there it is". But understanding doesn't equal acceptance.

Part of my anger is I feel like my family was kept from me as well. These are people I may have been able to have a relationship with if things were different. I don't know, I feel very down on love right now. I guess that wasn't the problem though. The problem was too much love to go around. Halfway across the world, in fact.

None of this should surprise me I guess.

[gardengirl1953]

Jun 1, 2023 0:06:49 GMT spitfire926f said:

May 31, 2023 19:47:36 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

Yes, I have a similar conflict in my head, and all the participants are dead. Yet it still haunts me, because it played a huge role in my relationship with my parents. It's amazing what kids pick up from just observing others interact. And some of it doesn't really make sense until one is older. And by then, it's way too late to affect any kind of understanding or change. It might explain a lot, and there is a certain comfort in saying, "Well, there it is". But understanding doesn't equal acceptance.

Part of my anger is I feel like my family was kept from me as well. These are people I may have been able to have a relationship with if things were different. I don't know, I feel very down on love right now. I guess that wasn't the problem though. The problem was too much love to go around. Halfway across the world, in fact.

None of this should surprise me I guess.

The only love I trust is that of my companion animals; no manipulation, no lies, just I love them and they love me back.

My kitchen hand towel has an animal print, and the words on it are, "The more people I meet, the more I love my cat!"

[spitfire926f]

Jun 1, 2023 2:10:38 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

Jun 1, 2023 0:06:49 GMT spitfire926f said:

Part of my anger is I feel like my family was kept from me as well. These are people I may have been able to have a relationship with if things were different. I don't know, I feel very down on love right now. I guess that wasn't the problem though. The problem was too much love to go around. Halfway across the world, in fact.

None of this should surprise me I guess.

The only love I trust is that of my companion animals; no manipulation, no lies, just I love them and they love me back.

My kitchen hand towel has an animal print, and the words on it are, "The more people I meet, the more I love my cat!"

Fact

I'm probably having a stronger reaction to this I should be. My grandfather died when I was 11. But I really loved him and my relationship with him was one of the few things from my childhood I could remember without a cynical cast to it.

I just have so many questions that will never be answered. I need to make peace with that. And the fact he had a part of his life that had nothing to do with me, and that's how he wanted it. It doesn't make a difference now.

[ant-mac]

spitfire926f - No one is perfect, whether they are a man or a women. How will your future descendants judge you and your actions? Will you measure up to their expectations?

It was wartime, he was a long way from his loved ones and he had no idea what tomorrow might bring. Whether it was merely companionship and compassion, or love and lust, he was a stranger in a strange land and he was probably lonely. I doubt procreation was the intent of either party, but actions have consequences. My own father died never knowing he had another son... an older son.

Only a fool tries to live their life in a manner that might please other people. All that anyone can do is live their life in their own way. Remember what Frank Sinatra sang...

[spitfire926f]

Jun 1, 2023 3:32:09 GMT ant-mac said:

spitfire926f - No one is perfect, whether they are a man or a women. How will your future descendants judge you and your actions? Will you measure up to their expectations?

It was wartime, he was a long way from his loved ones and he had no idea what tomorrow might bring. Whether it was merely companionship and compassion, or love and lust, he was a stranger in a strange land and he was probably lonely. I doubt procreation was the intent of either party, but actions have consequences. My own father died never knowing he had another son... an older son.

Only a fool tries to live their life in a manner that might please other people. All that anyone can do is live their life in their own way. Remember what Frank Sinatra sang...

That's all true of course, and given the era it was an impossible situation. And the bottom line is it isn't any of my business anyway. It wasn't meant to be anyway. And all of these people are long gone now.

[ant-mac]

Jun 1, 2023 5:50:48 GMT spitfire926f said:

Jun 1, 2023 3:32:09 GMT ant-mac said:

spitfire926f - No one is perfect, whether they are a man or a women. How will your future descendants judge you and your actions? Will you measure up to their expectations?

It was wartime, he was a long way from his loved ones and he had no idea what tomorrow might bring. Whether it was merely companionship and compassion, or love and lust, he was a stranger in a strange land and he was probably lonely. I doubt procreation was the intent of either party, but actions have consequences. My own father died never knowing he had another son... an older son.

Only a fool tries to live their life in a manner that might please other people. All that anyone can do is live their life in their own way. Remember what Frank Sinatra sang...

That's all true of course, and given the era it was an impossible situation. And the bottom line is it isn't any of my business anyway. It wasn't meant to be anyway. And all of these people are long gone now.

And we can never go back... 

[gardengirl1953]

Jun 1, 2023 11:19:42 GMT ant-mac said:

Jun 1, 2023 5:50:48 GMT spitfire926f said:

That's all true of course, and given the era it was an impossible situation. And the bottom line is it isn't any of my business anyway. It wasn't meant to be anyway. And all of these people are long gone now.

And we can never go back... 

Sadly, we can't. 

There are so many things I wish that I had thought to ask my Dad, about his family, about why he stayed with my mother, but his stroke was sudden and out of the blue.  Then for 17 years I heard my mother's viewpoint about him, but not his about her. She continued to talk about her dead fiancé that died in the war, and I think she "settled" for my Dad, not knowing what a good man she had chosen. At one point I finally said, "Mother, don't ever mention Tommy to me again.  He wasn't my father. And you never say that you miss my father." She wasn't pleased.

While she was in hospice care, she chattered with one of the social workers who had come to check on her that day in the nursing home, and the social worker called me to tell me that my mother was doing well, and had shared her life story with this woman. The social worker told me all about Tommy.  I gritted my teeth and said, did she talk about my father? She hesitated, then shared that she had asked my mother about her daughter and husband, and my mother said, "Oh, yes, I married and had a daughter, she is very sweet." I asked if she had said my father's name, and she asked what his name was.  I told her his full name and several nicknames that he had had, and she said, "no, she never mentioned his name." I thought that it had dawned on her that this was an issue, so she switched the subject.

Families are just one great big mess, a lot of the time, and we just have to think about it, and obsess about until we don't anymore. We find a way to live with the 'scar' that has formed over the wound. But scars remind us of where we have been; they don't have to dictate where we are going.  You will get through this. spitfire926f

[ant-mac]

Jun 1, 2023 18:50:57 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

Jun 1, 2023 11:19:42 GMT ant-mac said:

And we can never go back... 

Sadly, we can't. 

There are so many things I wish that I had thought to ask my Dad, about his family, about why he stayed with my mother, but his stroke was sudden and out of the blue.  Then for 17 years I heard my mother's viewpoint about him, but not his about her. She continued to talk about her dead fiancé that died in the war, and I think she "settled" for my Dad, not knowing what a good man she had chosen. At one point I finally said, "Mother, don't ever mention Tommy to me again.  He wasn't my father. And you never say that you miss my father." She wasn't pleased.

While she was in hospice care, she chattered with one of the social workers who had come to check on her that day in the nursing home, and the social worker called me to tell me that my mother was doing well, and had shared her life story with this woman. The social worker told me all about Tommy.  I gritted my teeth and said, did she talk about my father? She hesitated, then shared that she had asked my mother about her daughter and husband, and my mother said, "Oh, yes, I married and had a daughter, she is very sweet." I asked if she had said my father's name, and she asked what his name was.  I told her his full name and several nicknames that he had had, and she said, "no, she never mentioned his name." I thought that it had dawned on her that this was an issue, so she switched the subject.

Families are just one great big mess, a lot of the time, and we just have to think about it, and obsess about until we don't anymore. We find a way to live with the 'scar' that has formed over the wound. But scars remind us of where we have been; they don't have to dictate where we are going.  You will get through this. spitfire926f

In 1980, after Dad died, Mum and I returned to South Australia where what relatives she had in this country lived. Apparently, at some point after this, the wife of her first husband, who Mum moved out here from the Netherlands with in 1960 contacted her. It seems she was very compassionate, friendly and understanding and said she'd understand if Mum wanted him back. I believe Mum laughed out loud, told her to shove him up her arse and hung up the phone.

So Mum might have been a Dutch girl, but it seems she learned to use the Aussie lingo pretty well.

Yeah, please spare us from the interference and ministration of well-meaning busy bodies. I'm sure they mean well, but how often do they stumble blindly into sensitive, tension-filled situations, completely ignorant of the history involved between the individuals? It's like watching a flock of sheep crossing a minefield... sooner or later, someone's gonna put their foot in it.

However, the important thing is that both your father and your husband, along with their names, nicknames and other personal details that made them the individuals that they were, live on in your mind. They continue to exist as long as we remember them. 

[spitfire926f]

Jun 1, 2023 18:50:57 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

Jun 1, 2023 11:19:42 GMT ant-mac said:

And we can never go back... 

Sadly, we can't. 

There are so many things I wish that I had thought to ask my Dad, about his family, about why he stayed with my mother, but his stroke was sudden and out of the blue.  Then for 17 years I heard my mother's viewpoint about him, but not his about her. She continued to talk about her dead fiancé that died in the war, and I think she "settled" for my Dad, not knowing what a good man she had chosen. At one point I finally said, "Mother, don't ever mention Tommy to me again.  He wasn't my father. And you never say that you miss my father." She wasn't pleased.

While she was in hospice care, she chattered with one of the social workers who had come to check on her that day in the nursing home, and the social worker called me to tell me that my mother was doing well, and had shared her life story with this woman. The social worker told me all about Tommy.  I gritted my teeth and said, did she talk about my father? She hesitated, then shared that she had asked my mother about her daughter and husband, and my mother said, "Oh, yes, I married and had a daughter, she is very sweet." I asked if she had said my father's name, and she asked what his name was.  I told her his full name and several nicknames that he had had, and she said, "no, she never mentioned his name." I thought that it had dawned on her that this was an issue, so she switched the subject.

Families are just one great big mess, a lot of the time, and we just have to think about it, and obsess about until we don't anymore. We find a way to live with the 'scar' that has formed over the wound. But scars remind us of where we have been; they don't have to dictate where we are going.  You will get through this. spitfire926f

Well, and if this was someone else's situation, my pragmatic view would have been that he just loved two women at once, most likely. Or at least cared for the mother of his child I'm sure. I've always believed that's possible. The human heart can multi-task. We love more than one child at once, more than one pet at once, it's totally possible to love more than one partner. Marriage is not about love, it's about fidelity and promises made. And he was human, and in a strange place, and it was a time in history when he maybe wasn't sure he would ever go home. And there was no good answer to this situation. I do believe whole-heartedly that he sent money back and supported the family he left behind. He was an honorable man, and I'm sure that's in part what the letters were about.

The problem is when he died I was 11, so I never stopped remembering him him or seeing him like an 11-year-old. This information has forced me to see him like an adult.

Talking it all out has been helpful, so I appreciate you guys a lot.

[gardengirl1953]

Jun 2, 2023 4:32:18 GMT ant-mac said:

Jun 1, 2023 18:50:57 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

Sadly, we can't. 

There are so many things I wish that I had thought to ask my Dad, about his family, about why he stayed with my mother, but his stroke was sudden and out of the blue.  Then for 17 years I heard my mother's viewpoint about him, but not his about her. She continued to talk about her dead fiancé that died in the war, and I think she "settled" for my Dad, not knowing what a good man she had chosen. At one point I finally said, "Mother, don't ever mention Tommy to me again.  He wasn't my father. And you never say that you miss my father." She wasn't pleased.

While she was in hospice care, she chattered with one of the social workers who had come to check on her that day in the nursing home, and the social worker called me to tell me that my mother was doing well, and had shared her life story with this woman. The social worker told me all about Tommy.  I gritted my teeth and said, did she talk about my father? She hesitated, then shared that she had asked my mother about her daughter and husband, and my mother said, "Oh, yes, I married and had a daughter, she is very sweet." I asked if she had said my father's name, and she asked what his name was.  I told her his full name and several nicknames that he had had, and she said, "no, she never mentioned his name." I thought that it had dawned on her that this was an issue, so she switched the subject.

Families are just one great big mess, a lot of the time, and we just have to think about it, and obsess about until we don't anymore. We find a way to live with the 'scar' that has formed over the wound. But scars remind us of where we have been; they don't have to dictate where we are going.  You will get through this. spitfire926f

In 1980, after Dad died, Mum and I returned to South Australia where what relatives she had in this country lived. Apparently, at some point after this, the wife of her first husband, who Mum moved out here from the Netherlands with in 1960 contacted her. It seems she was very compassionate, friendly and understanding and said she'd understand if Mum wanted him back. I believe Mum laughed out loud, told her to shove him up her arse and hung up the phone.

So Mum might have been a Dutch girl, but it seems she learned to use the Aussie lingo pretty well.

Yeah, please spare us from the interference and ministration of well-meaning busy bodies. I'm sure they mean well, but how often do they stumble blindly into sensitive, tension-filled situations, completely ignorant of the history involved between the individuals? It's like watching a flock of sheep crossing a minefield... sooner or later, someone's gonna put their foot in it.

However, the important thing is that both your father and your husband, along with their names, nicknames and other personal details that made them the individuals that they were, live on in your mind. They continue to exist as long as we remember them. 

Exactly! 

Your mum sounds like she was a strong lady! The Dutch girl I knew years ago was pretty much the same.  I think little Dutch girls are underestimated; they sound so cute! 

[gardengirl1953]

Jun 2, 2023 5:23:21 GMT spitfire926f said:

Jun 1, 2023 18:50:57 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

Sadly, we can't. 

There are so many things I wish that I had thought to ask my Dad, about his family, about why he stayed with my mother, but his stroke was sudden and out of the blue.  Then for 17 years I heard my mother's viewpoint about him, but not his about her. She continued to talk about her dead fiancé that died in the war, and I think she "settled" for my Dad, not knowing what a good man she had chosen. At one point I finally said, "Mother, don't ever mention Tommy to me again.  He wasn't my father. And you never say that you miss my father." She wasn't pleased.

While she was in hospice care, she chattered with one of the social workers who had come to check on her that day in the nursing home, and the social worker called me to tell me that my mother was doing well, and had shared her life story with this woman. The social worker told me all about Tommy.  I gritted my teeth and said, did she talk about my father? She hesitated, then shared that she had asked my mother about her daughter and husband, and my mother said, "Oh, yes, I married and had a daughter, she is very sweet." I asked if she had said my father's name, and she asked what his name was.  I told her his full name and several nicknames that he had had, and she said, "no, she never mentioned his name." I thought that it had dawned on her that this was an issue, so she switched the subject.

Families are just one great big mess, a lot of the time, and we just have to think about it, and obsess about until we don't anymore. We find a way to live with the 'scar' that has formed over the wound. But scars remind us of where we have been; they don't have to dictate where we are going.  You will get through this. spitfire926f

Well, and if this was someone else's situation, my pragmatic view would have been that he just loved two women at once, most likely. Or at least cared for the mother of his child I'm sure. I've always believed that's possible. The human heart can multi-task. We love more than one child at once, more than one pet at once, it's totally possible to love more than one partner. Marriage is not about love, it's about fidelity and promises made. And he was human, and in a strange place, and it was a time in history when he maybe wasn't sure he would ever go home. And there was no good answer to this situation. I do believe whole-heartedly that he sent money back and supported the family he left behind. He was an honorable man, and I'm sure that's in part what the letters were about.

The problem is when he died I was 11, so I never stopped remembering him him or seeing him like an 11-year-old. This information has forced me to see him like an adult.

Talking it all out has been helpful, so I appreciate you guys a lot.

I'm glad we were able to listen and talk.  

[ant-mac]

Jun 2, 2023 5:23:21 GMT spitfire926f said:

Jun 1, 2023 18:50:57 GMT gardengirl1953 said:

Sadly, we can't. 

There are so many things I wish that I had thought to ask my Dad, about his family, about why he stayed with my mother, but his stroke was sudden and out of the blue.  Then for 17 years I heard my mother's viewpoint about him, but not his about her. She continued to talk about her dead fiancé that died in the war, and I think she "settled" for my Dad, not knowing what a good man she had chosen. At one point I finally said, "Mother, don't ever mention Tommy to me again.  He wasn't my father. And you never say that you miss my father." She wasn't pleased.

While she was in hospice care, she chattered with one of the social workers who had come to check on her that day in the nursing home, and the social worker called me to tell me that my mother was doing well, and had shared her life story with this woman. The social worker told me all about Tommy.  I gritted my teeth and said, did she talk about my father? She hesitated, then shared that she had asked my mother about her daughter and husband, and my mother said, "Oh, yes, I married and had a daughter, she is very sweet." I asked if she had said my father's name, and she asked what his name was.  I told her his full name and several nicknames that he had had, and she said, "no, she never mentioned his name." I thought that it had dawned on her that this was an issue, so she switched the subject.

Families are just one great big mess, a lot of the time, and we just have to think about it, and obsess about until we don't anymore. We find a way to live with the 'scar' that has formed over the wound. But scars remind us of where we have been; they don't have to dictate where we are going.  You will get through this. spitfire926f

Well, and if this was someone else's situation, my pragmatic view would have been that he just loved two women at once, most likely. Or at least cared for the mother of his child I'm sure. I've always believed that's possible. The human heart can multi-task. We love more than one child at once, more than one pet at once, it's totally possible to love more than one partner. Marriage is not about love, it's about fidelity and promises made. And he was human, and in a strange place, and it was a time in history when he maybe wasn't sure he would ever go home. And there was no good answer to this situation. I do believe whole-heartedly that he sent money back and supported the family he left behind. He was an honorable man, and I'm sure that's in part what the letters were about.

The problem is when he died I was 11, so I never stopped remembering him him or seeing him like an 11-year-old. This information has forced me to see him like an adult.

Talking it all out has been helpful, so I appreciate you guys a lot.

You're always welcome, Marilyn.

However, no matter what advice you might receive from others, always remember to listen to your inner voice.

It's the one that knows you best.